It’s interesting to me that so many people think that I am so strong. In my lifetime when I have suffered a loss, whether it was my grandma, my brother, my pets………..they have thought that I just bounce back so well. It’s really not the case. I am just as fragile as the next person. When I suffer a loss my heart hurts just as deeply. I sob, I cry incredible, ugly tears. I have just never had the opportunity to “stop life” and openly suffer. I have always had life to continue with. My suffering has mostly been when I am by myself.
I never stop hurting from the loss. I loved my brother, my grandma and everyone of my pets. When I have a glass of wine I always “cheers” my brother’s raku fish that I was going to give him for his birthday….but he died 3 days prior. I look at my daughter and I think of my grandma. And often, out of the blue, I will shed tears for them. I miss them. My heart breaks for their loss. The other day I was sitting on my floor by a piece of exercise equipment that my kitty Akua loved to scratch the handles. I spied the scratches and I sat there and bawled like a baby. I scroll through photos and I see pictures of my other kitties or my mom’s dog Luna that I didn’t get to say goodbye to and I start to cry.
I am not stronger than anyone else. I do not feel less pain than anyone else. I do not bounce back quicker than anyone else. I just do not share my pain with others. I have been by myself for a very long time and I have learned that I must continue on. My pain must not take over my life because I have to keep going. I also know that they want me to keep going. They are with me when I mourn them. And I mourn them all at some point each day. The degree is different each time. I have no expectations of my grief. I know that it can be a brief moment, a thought or it can be a tsunami wave………….but none of it can or should stop my life. And often, my mourning and honoring of them is a smile, a laugh, a wonderful memory.
Don’t think I have a magic trick to mourning. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to think of them, to honor them, to be so very glad that I loved them. And if you know me, you know that I also know that they visit me often. There is peace to be found……..they are still here, just differently.