I Am Not Stronger Than You
It’s interesting to me that so many people think that I am so strong. In my lifetime when I have suffered a loss, whether it was my grandma, my brother, my pets………..they have thought that I just bounce back so well. It’s really not the case. I am just as fragile as the next person. When I suffer a loss my heart hurts just as deeply. I sob, I cry incredible, ugly tears. I have just never had the opportunity to “stop life” and openly suffer. I have always had life to continue with. My suffering has mostly been when I am by myself.
I never stop hurting from the loss. I loved my brother, my grandma and everyone of my pets. When I have a glass of wine I always “cheers” my brother’s raku fish that I was going to give him for his birthday….but he died 3 days prior. I look at my daughter and I think of my grandma. And often, out of the blue, I will shed tears for them. I miss them. My heart breaks for their loss. The other day I was sitting on my floor by a piece of exercise equipment that my kitty Akua loved to scratch the handles. I spied the scratches and I sat there and bawled like a baby. I scroll through photos and I see pictures of my other kitties or my mom’s dog Luna that I didn’t get to say goodbye to and I start to cry.
I am not stronger than anyone else. I do not feel less pain than anyone else. I do not bounce back quicker than anyone else. I just do not share my pain with others. I have been by myself for a very long time and I have learned that I must continue on. My pain must not take over my life because I have to keep going. I also know that they want me to keep going. They are with me when I mourn them. And I mourn them all at some point each day. The degree is different each time. I have no expectations of my grief. I know that it can be a brief moment, a thought or it can be a tsunami wave………….but none of it can or should stop my life. And often, my mourning and honoring of them is a smile, a laugh, a wonderful memory.
Don’t think I have a magic trick to mourning. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to think of them, to honor them, to be so very glad that I loved them. And if you know me, you know that I also know that they visit me often. There is peace to be found……..they are still here, just differently.
11/4/2022 07:20:51 pm
Reveal month usually try. Cover everyone while different raise dinner only. Reduce glass rather when her really image. My money keep throw detail baby.
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply.