A Journal of the Heart...
It really doesn’t matter if the person or pet in your life dies and it was an unexpected but expected death, the pain is excruciating and filled with so many feelings.
I remember when my Grandma was dying. It killed my heart every day to see her not able to get out of bed and be the magical little being that she had always been. She was miserable. The one little bit of joy that came to her in the end was the birth of my daughter. Oh the smiles! She was waiting for her birth and she quickly spiraled after she got to spend some visits with her great grandbaby. It was heart wrenching. I wanted her to die. She wanted to die. We talked about it. She was done. I just wanted her to have peace and to be with the love of her life again. Her death was expected….impending. And it finally happened. While I was devastated I also was so happy for her. She had an incredible life (until the last several years, but that is another story), and she got to spend time with her great grandbaby girl. But none of that erases the pain left behind. I want her here to spread her unconditional love that is so hard to find these days. I want her to hold her soon-to-be great, great grandson! Thankfully I know she is still around………..nope, it’s not the same. And to this day, 30 years later, I miss her and still shed tears for her.
When my brother was dying……….I never felt he was dying until the last year of his life. In the end though, it was VERY expected and I wanted him to die. I wanted him to stop hurting and trying to put on this strong game face every fu*k&ng day. Yes, he had an incredible life……….but it was so very short. He was very young. I have never seen someone fight cancer so gracefully, but one can only do that for so long. When he died, I was relieved. I was also pissed that the medical system didn’t catch the cancer sooner, but as David always said, “Carolyn, they’re just doctors, they don’t know what they’re doing………..that’s why they call it “practicing medicine”. He thought that was funny. I’m still experiencing a myriad of feelings about his death. But I am still happy that his suffering did not continue. And again, I know that he is still around. He lives on through Sacred Embers……..afterall, he was the catalyst for me to start Sacred Embers. But I still miss the hell out of him.
I know others that have experienced unexpected death………and expected. The feelings are all very much the same. There is anger, hurt, panic, relief, peace, anxiety, denial, blame, remorse of things said or not said, sadness, even happiness. There is not a right way to grieve or a wrong way. Grief is a GIANT ball of emotions that play pinball within your head and your heart……………daily. At some point it will ease. And some days it will seem so very fresh and raw.
As I always tell my Sacred Embers clients, “It never gets better, only different”.