A Journal of the Heart...
I was sitting here, for no reason, looking at photos of my Akua…..sobbing. Ugly face, mascara melting sobbing. Gawd damnit I miss her so much. It still absolutely hurts my heart. Yes, it was January 22nd, only 6 months ago. But I hate that she is not here with me. (She’s here with me, but not physically).
I tell my Sacred Embers clients all of the time, “It never gets better, only different”. But I don’t want to deal with that myself on a personal level. It makes me so very sad. I don’t want to have to feel those feelings. I want to literally pet her fur and “force” her to let me hold her and play hide-and-seek with her and go through hundreds of dollars of cat food that she refuses to eat even though she ate it last week. I want her to chase me down the hall and jump up and hit me in the ass because I am clearly not paying enough attention to her.
I “see” her all of the time here. I feel her here all of the time. But it isn’t the same. And no, I am not getting another pet. Akua was my heart kitty. She was the end. The grand finale. With my friends I have pet fixes and with my Sacred Embers clients I help you through your losses………..I’m good. Just having a moment.
There will probably be more moments. But I really try not to share that.
See you later Akua….you damn Diva.
I went to Arizona and spent 9 days with my daughter and her husband and my sweet grandson. I loved every moment. It was hot as hell but it was nice to be in their new home and to help with things and to hang out with my little never-stop-moving-and-god-forbid-don’t-sleep-because-you-might-miss-something grandson. But as I was going up the steps to my apartment I had this feeling that came to me. I was so excited to “be with” my sweet Akua kitty that died in January. Yep, that does sound weird. It was very unexpected. I even thought it was weird. I do still see her and feel her presence. (Kind of odd since she died when I was still in my house). But I always feel her here. I see her walk past me or I feel her on my bed. I just did not expect that I would be so excited to “see” her again. It literally felt like I was coming home to my live kitty.
I have to admit that I still am careful about leaving the door open…..until I remind myself that Akua is not physically here and she isn’t going to run out the door. Or that I don’t have to pick up my paintings I’m working on because she isn’t here to steal my paint brushes or walk across wet paint. But I totally did not expect the strong and very unexpected feelings that I had of coming home to her.
I kind of dread the time that comes when I don’t see or feel her anymore. She was my heart kitty. I loved every pet I have ever had. But Akua was different. I really don’t want her to ever “not be there”.
Do you have these feelings about a deceased person or pet? Do you expect them? How does it make you feel? I personally, find a peace in it. And when she decides that she needs to go and has other things to do, I will be sad but she will always be in my heart.
This morning I looked outside and on the dock was a HUGE sea lion! I’m used to seeing the seals out there but there was this gigantic beast. (I’m going to say “she” since I don’t know what it was). The wildlife I see out my window at any given moment is pretty cool. I’m lucky.
Anyway, I started thinking about this sea lion. She didn’t care about the Canadian geese giving her what-for. She didn’t care about their continuous honking at her. She just basked in the morning light. She was enjoying her vast view from her station on the dock. I think you could even see her smiling. She occasionally would make the heavy barking grunt sound they make……….maybe she was calling her friends or maybe even talking to herself about the delight of sitting there all by herself with the surrounding beauty. The seagulls didn’t bother her, nothing bothered her. She wasn’t concerned if she “looked fat”. She just was there, enjoying her morning. She was enjoying the simple, beautiful things in life. That’s how people should be.
We are living in a time where everyone has an opinion that they think they must bestow upon you. And if you don’t agree then you are wrong. How about we all do like the sea lion……just do you. Why not live each day being kind, being helpful, treating others as you’d like to be treated? Have respect for the next person and the environment. Be positive and loving. When you die you leave a legacy. Live a good life. Just do you.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou
It’s interesting to me that so many people think that I am so strong. In my lifetime when I have suffered a loss, whether it was my grandma, my brother, my pets………..they have thought that I just bounce back so well. It’s really not the case. I am just as fragile as the next person. When I suffer a loss my heart hurts just as deeply. I sob, I cry incredible, ugly tears. I have just never had the opportunity to “stop life” and openly suffer. I have always had life to continue with. My suffering has mostly been when I am by myself.
I never stop hurting from the loss. I loved my brother, my grandma and everyone of my pets. When I have a glass of wine I always “cheers” my brother’s raku fish that I was going to give him for his birthday….but he died 3 days prior. I look at my daughter and I think of my grandma. And often, out of the blue, I will shed tears for them. I miss them. My heart breaks for their loss. The other day I was sitting on my floor by a piece of exercise equipment that my kitty Akua loved to scratch the handles. I spied the scratches and I sat there and bawled like a baby. I scroll through photos and I see pictures of my other kitties or my mom’s dog Luna that I didn’t get to say goodbye to and I start to cry.
I am not stronger than anyone else. I do not feel less pain than anyone else. I do not bounce back quicker than anyone else. I just do not share my pain with others. I have been by myself for a very long time and I have learned that I must continue on. My pain must not take over my life because I have to keep going. I also know that they want me to keep going. They are with me when I mourn them. And I mourn them all at some point each day. The degree is different each time. I have no expectations of my grief. I know that it can be a brief moment, a thought or it can be a tsunami wave………….but none of it can or should stop my life. And often, my mourning and honoring of them is a smile, a laugh, a wonderful memory.
Don’t think I have a magic trick to mourning. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to think of them, to honor them, to be so very glad that I loved them. And if you know me, you know that I also know that they visit me often. There is peace to be found……..they are still here, just differently.
I recently made some huge changes in my life. I sold my house, moved to an apartment that I have wanted to live in and sadly, put my sweet kitty to sleep due to illness. I’ve done A LOT of thinking lately because of all of these things.
I have decided that it is important to celebrate today…………and every day! Wear your good clothes, bring out the fancy glasses and dishes. Use them every day! Celebrate each day! It is worth celebrating. What is the point of saving these things and experiences for “a special time”? Every single day is special! YOU are special! We aren’t promised tomorrow. We must live in and for this moment that we are in. That is what is truly important.
I have no regrets about my kitty. I celebrated her every day. I miss her terribly but she was always celebrated and in a way she taught me a lesson………to celebrate myself. So, I am going to work on that. I decided that I will get rid of the old Tupperware butter keeper that I used for years and I’m going to use this antique dish instead for my butter. Every day. It’s old, it’s pretty, I don’t know it’s real purpose but it will be for my butter now. I will drink my good wine. I will spoil myself sometimes. I will take time to appreciate and celebrate me. I will celebrate and appreciate each moment.
Now, it’s your turn. How are you going to celebrate you? How are you going to celebrate each day and acknowledge the importance of each moment?