A Journal of the Heart...
I have to say, getting prepared for my hip replacement surgery (that I put off for over a year) and my overly optimistic view on my recovery has taught me a lot! And I feel that what I am learning fits into many other parts of my life and anyone can apply my lessons to their own lives.
I was so sure that after a week I would be pretty much normal, just not allowed to drive yet. Although I am recovering very well and quickly the reality of this recovery is not what I thought it would be! I am learning patience with myself. I am learning to be gentle with myself and give myself time to heal. You see I had all of these big ideas about all these things I was going to accomplish right out of the gate; paintings, cleaning, reading, glass work, rework and plan my business plans. Well, it took me two and a half weeks to be able to paint. And working on these paintings I cannot do on the floor like I normally paint. Partly because five days after my surgery I fainted and fell and hit my head, knee and foot and my knee is taking it’s time healing, on top of my hip! So I can sit and paint in spurts because it is important that I move a lot and also do my exercises.
Today I painted and did some glass work and of course my exercises. And everyday I have been going on my walks. Trying to go farther each day. I have to remind myself not to get frustrated with the fact that my muscles get tired rather quickly.
I am grateful for friends and family that check in on me. I stayed the first week at my sister’s home. She was so great making sure I ate well and took my Tylenol and Ibuprofen on a regular basis. She made sure that I really paid attention to my body mechanics so I can walk like a normal person again. And now that I am home she gets me groceries in between her very busy schedule. Even my two and a half year old grandson has been super careful and loving. And I have a friend that has had both of her hips replaced and she has been instrumental in helping me know what to expect and to just chill out and accept the pace of healing.
I have a hard time with asking for help and with accepting help. So this is another thing that this has all taught me. It’s o.k. to ask for help. It’s o.k. to accept help. It’s also important to remember that there are people that love you and care about you and it’s o.k. to let them be there for you.
I feel that all of these lessons are things that you can apply to many situations throughout your life. When difficult things happen in your life you might just be surprised by the help and love that will be offered to you and if you ask someone for help they will gladly be by your side.
I will be overjoyed when I can get in my own car and drive myself to where ever I am needing to go!!!!
These days there are so many days that seem so bleak. Our country is falling apart. And depending on where you live, there are many countries and states that have found that they love the “oppression hammer”. It can make it seem like there is no where to go, no freedom, no common sense. It is fu*#ing depressing! I live by the Narrows Bridge. I have a view of that bridge and I see when someone is there, contemplating ending their lives. Thankfully they are normally talked down……..but, like a couple weeks ago someone decided to end it. No talking, no persuading. I don’t know their story but it really made me so sad. I wondered what their story was. Why they picked that option? It happened to be the day that our state fired police, fire, medical, teachers, etc for not getting the C shot. Was it one of them? I don’t know. But it was such a horribly sad day on so many levels.
What do you do when things seem so bleak?
I have decided to never watch the news. They are bought and paid for and I can’t trust what they are spewing. I continue to love my family and friends. Finding little joys that really are big joys! Try to get good sleep. Be kind to yourself. Going for a walk is so therapeutic….even in the rain. I am blessed to have one of the most amazing views in the world (my opinion). It is always beautiful. ALWAYS. There is happiness to be found there. It’s perfect for meditation. Thinking positive and replacing negative thoughts immediately. Smiling! (Another reason I HATE masks…………you cannot see people smile or their emotions). I paint, I do my art. I do Sacred Embers. I work. I try to always be kind. I look to the future and pray for truth and love to prevail.
A dear friend told me to “Be the light because darkness cannot survive with light”. I hold that close to my heart.
I was sitting here, for no reason, looking at photos of my Akua…..sobbing. Ugly face, mascara melting sobbing. Gawd damnit I miss her so much. It still absolutely hurts my heart. Yes, it was January 22nd, only 6 months ago. But I hate that she is not here with me. (She’s here with me, but not physically).
I tell my Sacred Embers clients all of the time, “It never gets better, only different”. But I don’t want to deal with that myself on a personal level. It makes me so very sad. I don’t want to have to feel those feelings. I want to literally pet her fur and “force” her to let me hold her and play hide-and-seek with her and go through hundreds of dollars of cat food that she refuses to eat even though she ate it last week. I want her to chase me down the hall and jump up and hit me in the ass because I am clearly not paying enough attention to her.
I “see” her all of the time here. I feel her here all of the time. But it isn’t the same. And no, I am not getting another pet. Akua was my heart kitty. She was the end. The grand finale. With my friends I have pet fixes and with my Sacred Embers clients I help you through your losses………..I’m good. Just having a moment.
There will probably be more moments. But I really try not to share that.
See you later Akua….you damn Diva.
I went to Arizona and spent 9 days with my daughter and her husband and my sweet grandson. I loved every moment. It was hot as hell but it was nice to be in their new home and to help with things and to hang out with my little never-stop-moving-and-god-forbid-don’t-sleep-because-you-might-miss-something grandson. But as I was going up the steps to my apartment I had this feeling that came to me. I was so excited to “be with” my sweet Akua kitty that died in January. Yep, that does sound weird. It was very unexpected. I even thought it was weird. I do still see her and feel her presence. (Kind of odd since she died when I was still in my house). But I always feel her here. I see her walk past me or I feel her on my bed. I just did not expect that I would be so excited to “see” her again. It literally felt like I was coming home to my live kitty.
I have to admit that I still am careful about leaving the door open…..until I remind myself that Akua is not physically here and she isn’t going to run out the door. Or that I don’t have to pick up my paintings I’m working on because she isn’t here to steal my paint brushes or walk across wet paint. But I totally did not expect the strong and very unexpected feelings that I had of coming home to her.
I kind of dread the time that comes when I don’t see or feel her anymore. She was my heart kitty. I loved every pet I have ever had. But Akua was different. I really don’t want her to ever “not be there”.
Do you have these feelings about a deceased person or pet? Do you expect them? How does it make you feel? I personally, find a peace in it. And when she decides that she needs to go and has other things to do, I will be sad but she will always be in my heart.
This morning I looked outside and on the dock was a HUGE sea lion! I’m used to seeing the seals out there but there was this gigantic beast. (I’m going to say “she” since I don’t know what it was). The wildlife I see out my window at any given moment is pretty cool. I’m lucky.
Anyway, I started thinking about this sea lion. She didn’t care about the Canadian geese giving her what-for. She didn’t care about their continuous honking at her. She just basked in the morning light. She was enjoying her vast view from her station on the dock. I think you could even see her smiling. She occasionally would make the heavy barking grunt sound they make……….maybe she was calling her friends or maybe even talking to herself about the delight of sitting there all by herself with the surrounding beauty. The seagulls didn’t bother her, nothing bothered her. She wasn’t concerned if she “looked fat”. She just was there, enjoying her morning. She was enjoying the simple, beautiful things in life. That’s how people should be.
We are living in a time where everyone has an opinion that they think they must bestow upon you. And if you don’t agree then you are wrong. How about we all do like the sea lion……just do you. Why not live each day being kind, being helpful, treating others as you’d like to be treated? Have respect for the next person and the environment. Be positive and loving. When you die you leave a legacy. Live a good life. Just do you.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou