I went to Arizona and spent 9 days with my daughter and her husband and my sweet grandson. I loved every moment. It was hot as hell but it was nice to be in their new home and to help with things and to hang out with my little never-stop-moving-and-god-forbid-don’t-sleep-because-you-might-miss-something grandson. But as I was going up the steps to my apartment I had this feeling that came to me. I was so excited to “be with” my sweet Akua kitty that died in January. Yep, that does sound weird. It was very unexpected. I even thought it was weird. I do still see her and feel her presence. (Kind of odd since she died when I was still in my house). But I always feel her here. I see her walk past me or I feel her on my bed. I just did not expect that I would be so excited to “see” her again. It literally felt like I was coming home to my live kitty.
I have to admit that I still am careful about leaving the door open…..until I remind myself that Akua is not physically here and she isn’t going to run out the door. Or that I don’t have to pick up my paintings I’m working on because she isn’t here to steal my paint brushes or walk across wet paint. But I totally did not expect the strong and very unexpected feelings that I had of coming home to her. I kind of dread the time that comes when I don’t see or feel her anymore. She was my heart kitty. I loved every pet I have ever had. But Akua was different. I really don’t want her to ever “not be there”. Do you have these feelings about a deceased person or pet? Do you expect them? How does it make you feel? I personally, find a peace in it. And when she decides that she needs to go and has other things to do, I will be sad but she will always be in my heart.
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This morning I looked outside and on the dock was a HUGE sea lion! I’m used to seeing the seals out there but there was this gigantic beast. (I’m going to say “she” since I don’t know what it was). The wildlife I see out my window at any given moment is pretty cool. I’m lucky.
Anyway, I started thinking about this sea lion. She didn’t care about the Canadian geese giving her what-for. She didn’t care about their continuous honking at her. She just basked in the morning light. She was enjoying her vast view from her station on the dock. I think you could even see her smiling. She occasionally would make the heavy barking grunt sound they make……….maybe she was calling her friends or maybe even talking to herself about the delight of sitting there all by herself with the surrounding beauty. The seagulls didn’t bother her, nothing bothered her. She wasn’t concerned if she “looked fat”. She just was there, enjoying her morning. She was enjoying the simple, beautiful things in life. That’s how people should be. We are living in a time where everyone has an opinion that they think they must bestow upon you. And if you don’t agree then you are wrong. How about we all do like the sea lion……just do you. Why not live each day being kind, being helpful, treating others as you’d like to be treated? Have respect for the next person and the environment. Be positive and loving. When you die you leave a legacy. Live a good life. Just do you. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou It’s interesting to me that so many people think that I am so strong. In my lifetime when I have suffered a loss, whether it was my grandma, my brother, my pets………..they have thought that I just bounce back so well. It’s really not the case. I am just as fragile as the next person. When I suffer a loss my heart hurts just as deeply. I sob, I cry incredible, ugly tears. I have just never had the opportunity to “stop life” and openly suffer. I have always had life to continue with. My suffering has mostly been when I am by myself.
I never stop hurting from the loss. I loved my brother, my grandma and everyone of my pets. When I have a glass of wine I always “cheers” my brother’s raku fish that I was going to give him for his birthday….but he died 3 days prior. I look at my daughter and I think of my grandma. And often, out of the blue, I will shed tears for them. I miss them. My heart breaks for their loss. The other day I was sitting on my floor by a piece of exercise equipment that my kitty Akua loved to scratch the handles. I spied the scratches and I sat there and bawled like a baby. I scroll through photos and I see pictures of my other kitties or my mom’s dog Luna that I didn’t get to say goodbye to and I start to cry. I am not stronger than anyone else. I do not feel less pain than anyone else. I do not bounce back quicker than anyone else. I just do not share my pain with others. I have been by myself for a very long time and I have learned that I must continue on. My pain must not take over my life because I have to keep going. I also know that they want me to keep going. They are with me when I mourn them. And I mourn them all at some point each day. The degree is different each time. I have no expectations of my grief. I know that it can be a brief moment, a thought or it can be a tsunami wave………….but none of it can or should stop my life. And often, my mourning and honoring of them is a smile, a laugh, a wonderful memory. Don’t think I have a magic trick to mourning. I hate it, but I love it at the same time. It gives me the opportunity to think of them, to honor them, to be so very glad that I loved them. And if you know me, you know that I also know that they visit me often. There is peace to be found……..they are still here, just differently. I recently made some huge changes in my life. I sold my house, moved to an apartment that I have wanted to live in and sadly, put my sweet kitty to sleep due to illness. I’ve done A LOT of thinking lately because of all of these things.
I have decided that it is important to celebrate today…………and every day! Wear your good clothes, bring out the fancy glasses and dishes. Use them every day! Celebrate each day! It is worth celebrating. What is the point of saving these things and experiences for “a special time”? Every single day is special! YOU are special! We aren’t promised tomorrow. We must live in and for this moment that we are in. That is what is truly important. I have no regrets about my kitty. I celebrated her every day. I miss her terribly but she was always celebrated and in a way she taught me a lesson………to celebrate myself. So, I am going to work on that. I decided that I will get rid of the old Tupperware butter keeper that I used for years and I’m going to use this antique dish instead for my butter. Every day. It’s old, it’s pretty, I don’t know it’s real purpose but it will be for my butter now. I will drink my good wine. I will spoil myself sometimes. I will take time to appreciate and celebrate me. I will celebrate and appreciate each moment. Now, it’s your turn. How are you going to celebrate you? How are you going to celebrate each day and acknowledge the importance of each moment? Today I had to put my beautiful kitty Akua to sleep. My world will never be the same.
I work with people about their own losses of their pets and people and it always touches me deeply. And I have deeply loved every pet that I have ever had and my heart would shatter with each loss, but Akua was different for me. She was my heart kitty. There was a different type of bond with her. When I got her I had gone for a year without any pets. And she was introduced to me and I knew she was mine. She was a beautiful little Bengal that was being fostered. She was quite sick and they think that a breeder had thrown her out to die. I ended up bringing her home after the usual steps of spaying, etc. She was still sick but being with me seemed to help her health return. Akua was always kind of wild. And people said that Bengals are different than other cats. THAT was definitely the truth! I had never had a kitty like her! She acted like a dog most of the time. She would greet me at the door when I got home, give me a few loves and then off she would go. If I had the nerve to talk on the phone in her presence she would run up behind me and jump up and slap me in the butt with her paws. She was always gentle and loving. Never biting or scratching. If she got a little frisky while playing, all I would have to say is “gentle” and she would be more gentle. Her favorite toy was peacock feathers and she could leap high in the sky. She was a trickster and “naughty” in a good way. She had a sense of humor too. We would play peek-a-boo that was also a little like hide-and-seek. All I would have to say is “peek-a-boo” and she would run to hide. When my daughter was around here and I would have my grandog over, Akua and Frites would chase eachother and play and have so much fun! Akua would also do her best to antagonize him. She had a teddy bear that was Frites and she would kick the crap out of that thing if I said, “Where’s Frites?” She never treated Frites like that but it was so funny to watch her beat the hell out of that teddy bear! She was so stinkin’ smart! She would sit at the window where I have a hummingbird feeder and the hummingbirds would literally come up and hover in front of her face. So sweet. Akua was THE pickiest eater EVER!!!! I cannot tell you how many dollars of cat food I went through to make her happy. And once I found something she liked I’d buy several and then she would decide she didn’t really like it afterall. She never had an accident, and always used her catbox, no matter what. When I very first got her I heard a voice say “you won’t have her for very long”. I pushed that thought away because almost all of my cats have lived to the late teens or into their 20’s. She was an indoor only cat and she got the best food and care and love…………so of course she would live a long and fabulous life! Well, we got the fabulous part in but only 5 years of it. I would have loved another 20 with her but now I just have to accept that she will visit me and be by my side always……..in a different way. I firmly believe in not putting a pet (or person) through treatments when in your gut you know it’s bad. I had mentioned a few months ago to my daughter that Akua didn’t seem like herself and I thought she may have lost a little weight but I was in the process of getting rid of things and preparing for a move and selling our home, so chalked it up to stress. But things continued to decline and the picky eating turned into not eating or drinking and if she ate she threw that up. Her weight continued to plummet and the vet tried some other things but I knew in my gut that this wasn’t something that would get better. In talking to a friend that has good knowledge, she is betting that she had cancer. She was suffering. Sure, the vet thinks he failed me because he couldn’t tell me what was going on. But I told him it doesn’t matter, I know she can’t come back from this and I refuse to let her suffer any longer. Today was the most kind thing that I could do for my sweet Akua. It doesn’t matter how broken hearted or difficult it is for me. She doesn’t have to hurt or suffer or feel sick or scared anymore. She can visit me. And she will often. I honored her and love her with all my heart. Not everyone has the opportunity to have their “heart” pet. I am so lucky to have experienced this, even if it was only for a short 5 years. Be well my baby Akua. |