I am not big into New Year this, New Year that.  And this year has been so crazy in so many ways.  But I do find myself reflecting on the year of 2020.
 
As some of you know I owned a wonderful gift shop/gallery inside a nice hotel. I supported all local artists.  8 years and 68 artists when I had to close my shop due to covid.  This was pretty devastating to me because this was my living. I don’t have a partner or husband, so my life is taken care of 100% by me.  And of course, I still have Sacred Embers.  But closing the shop really flattened me for a moment. I remained positive because this year my daughter and my son in-law became pregnant and my grandson would be born in 2020.  So exciting.  But because of all of the restrictions I was not able to make all the trips to be with them to share in the pregnancy. 
 
I have also been a homeowner for 28 years and this 2020 situation made me decide that I don’t need to be a homeowner anymore.  I no longer felt that I needed to own my home.  I didn’t want the responsibilities any longer.  I realized I could downsize (GREATLY downsize) and get into an apartment on the water that I have coveted for years.  No one ever moves out of them but guess what?  I’ll be moving into them in February!  I set my intentions and started selling my belongings, my art, everything.  Donating lots and clearing my space.  I started this process long before finding out that I had a space opening in the apartment complex.  I am so incredibly excited about this upcoming change! You see, the water is my peaceful place.  So living on the water will be so amazing!  Living there will free me to visit my grandson and his mommy and daddy! My house goes on the market in 2 days.
 
OH my grandson, ENZO!!!!!  I got to drive with my best friend to see my pregnant daughter in June.  Just a short visit but at least I got to see her in person.  He was born on October 5th.  The second my daughter went into labor I went on quarantine so that I could drive down.  Baby Enzo is the most handsome and smart baby in the world (duh, of course he is!!).  Spending those 2 weeks with them, helping with everything was wonderful. My daughter did a home birth and did amazing, but he was a big baby and she needed some help.  Seeing their relationship blossom even more was what every mother wants to experience.  Leaving was horrible.  I bawled for about 27 miles straight and then periodically all along the 13 hour drive home.  And I didn’t get to spend Enzo’s first Christmas with him because I couldn’t fly and the passes aren’t super safe at this time of year.  To say that I am in love with Enzo is just not enough.  This child is magical.  He really is magical!
 
That being said, 2020 pushed me to know that nothing will stop me.  I can manifest and build towards a life that I will be happier with.  I have parted with items really realizing they are “just things”.  I have tried new things.  I have become a Grandma!  I have learned I can make changes. I know that being at peace is VERY important to me.  I look forward to the days of seeing people’s smiles….no masks.  Being able to hug others and travel freely. 
 
What have you learned?

​My name is Carolyn Osborne.  I grew up in and still live in the Pacific Northwest.  I was the oldest child of 3 kids and always very shy, and always an artist.  However, I always stepped to my own drummer,  which was not really popular in my family.   One thing I never wavered on:  I always wanted to be an artist “when I grew up”.  I worked in criminal justice for 12 years and left it to become self-employed.  Being self-employed has always revolved somehow around being creative.  (sign maker, painter, glass artist, Sacred Embers).  For the last 8 years, I had a gift shop/gallery that was in a fancy hotel.  My shop only supported local artists.  It was a fabulous childhood dream that came to fruition and sadly, due to the covid shut downs had to be closed. 
I raised a beautiful daughter that has very recently made me a grandma!  I love animals and was already a grandma to my daughter’s fur-boy Frites.  And now life has become so much sweeter!  My being self-employed for almost all of my daughter’s life has been a journey of ups and downs but in the end it taught my daughter to have a great work ethic and the ability to think and see outside the box.  As she goes through life’s adventures it is lovely to see things that she does or says, knowing she learned it from you.  And I have learned so much from my amazing daughter throughout life. 
I just returned from meeting my grandson.  Today is actually his 1 month birthday!  I cannot tell you how beautiful it was to see what amazing parents my daughter and her husband will be and of course, I totally fell in love with my grandson, Enzo.  He’s so handsome and beautiful and soft and ……my grandson!!!!!  My heart is bursting!  I told my daughter that if I died tomorrow, my life is complete. 
It does make you think about the people that are not here to meet Enzo in person.  My brother would be so pleased……….I miss those jokes he would make and the wisdom he would share.  He adored my daughter and I know he is so thrilled.  My grandmother, Enzo’s great-great-grandma, would be over the moon in love.  I know that they are still with us and visiting in their own ways. 
See, I told you this would ramble.  I am a kind, very sensitive person.  I tend to be me at all times.  I feel that is important.  I am one of those people that has a few very dear friends but am perfectly happy spending time by myself.  I love helping people with Sacred Embers, but of course love working on all of my creations to include commission paintings.  And from now until forever I will have Enzo on the brain.
If you ever have questions for me, just reach out, I am happy to answer.

​It really doesn’t matter if the person or pet in your life dies and it was an unexpected but expected death, the pain is excruciating and filled with so many feelings. 
 
I remember when my Grandma was dying.  It killed my heart every day to see her not able to get out of bed and be the magical little being that she had always been.  She was miserable.  The one little bit of joy that came to her in the end was the birth of my daughter.  Oh the smiles!  She was waiting for her birth and she quickly spiraled after she got to spend some visits with her great grandbaby.  It was heart wrenching.  I wanted her to die.  She wanted to die.  We talked about it.  She was done.  I just wanted her to have peace and to be with the love of her life again.  Her death was expected….impending.  And it finally happened.  While I was devastated I also was so happy for her.  She had an incredible life (until the last several years, but that is another story), and she got to spend time with her great grandbaby girl.  But none of that erases the pain left behind. I want her here to spread her unconditional love that is so hard to find these days.  I want her to hold her soon-to-be great, great grandson!  Thankfully I know she is still around………..nope, it’s not the same.  And to this day, 30 years later, I miss her and still shed tears for her.
 
When my brother was dying……….I never felt he was dying until the last year of his life.  In the end though, it was VERY expected and I wanted him to die.  I wanted him to stop hurting and trying to put on this strong game face every fu*k&ng day.  Yes, he had an incredible life……….but it was so very short.  He was very young.  I have never seen someone fight cancer so gracefully, but one can only do that for so long.  When he died, I was relieved.  I was also pissed that the medical system didn’t catch the cancer sooner, but as David always said, “Carolyn, they’re just doctors, they don’t know what they’re doing………..that’s why they call it “practicing medicine”.  He thought that was funny.  I’m still experiencing a myriad of feelings about his death.  But I am still happy that his suffering did not continue.  And again, I know that he is still around.  He lives on through Sacred Embers……..afterall, he was the catalyst for me to start Sacred Embers.  But I still miss the hell out of him. 
 
I know others that have experienced unexpected death………and expected.  The feelings are all very much the same.  There is anger, hurt, panic, relief, peace, anxiety, denial, blame, remorse of things said or not said, sadness, even happiness.  There is not a right way to grieve or a wrong way.  Grief is a GIANT ball of emotions that play pinball within your head and your heart……………daily.  At some point it will ease.  And some days it will seem so very fresh and raw.
 
As I always tell my Sacred Embers clients, “It never gets better, only different”.  

The month of August is My Brother’s Month.  It was the month that he was born and the month that he died.  I have had a few other deaths in my life, but my brother was so young and had so much more to do.  I miss him.  I feel good kinda dedicating the month to him.  I’m sure he would think that it’s overkill…..but there’s nothing he can do about it!
 
I think that it’s good for people to have a period of time dedicated to someone important to them that has died.  It helps with the grieving, no matter how long it has been and it keeps them “alive”.  It is honoring them and that it important.  I’ve witnessed people wipe (figuratively), someone out of their life because they have died.  And while I do agree that there is not a set way to grieve a loss, not speaking of them or bringing them up is not healthy.  Our society needs to be more comfortable with death and loss.  It happens. Every day.  But the one common thread is that your love for them is not gone.  It is not wiped away.  Out of sight, out of mind does not apply.  I know that I think of my brother every day.  I talk about him with others.  Mostly I can do this without tears now, but sometimes the tears come out of the blue, but that is o.k.  As I tell my Sacred Embers clients;  It never gets better, only different. 

As many of you know Sacred Embers was born because of my brother's death.  So with every Sacred Embers that I create I also feel that I am honoring him.  Bittersweet, yes, but special.  That is why I call Sacred Embers my heart work.
 
While throughout the year I have mini celebrations of my brother in my head or when I “cheer” him when I sip that glass of wine or thank him or ask him what would he would do, August is extra special.
 
So, this month, I will think more of David.  I will have an extra glass of wine in his honor.  I will have my own personal little ceremonies.  I will celebrate his birthday.  I will celebrate his death day.  But I will always love and miss him.  He will always have a place in my heart and my life.